- It has to be made on a bagel. A plain bagel. Preferably a Thomas' plain bagel, although store brand substitutions are allowed, provided they're not "gummy", "sticky" or "too chewy".
- It can only be roasted turkey breast. Not smoked. Not honey roasted. Plain ol' roasted. Which is fine because he eats enough junk with preservatives as it is.
- The turkey breast can only be of select brands. Land O Frost? Ok. Buddig? Not ok. Albertson's? He can deal with it. From the deli counter? Usually ok. But sometimes it's too thick for his bagel because...
- Bagel sandwiches can only be "this high" or "so thick", otherwise he can't get his mouth around it. And the turkey can't flop over the edges, either. Because that's disgusting.
- The sandwich can only be prepared with Best Foods mayo. No mustard. No pickles. No lettuce, no tomato...you get the picture. S-I-M-P-L-E.
As we made our way through the meat section, I decided to check out the lunch meats. Spying a package of turkey that I was sure would meet the Ethan Standard of Pickiness, I grabbed it--gagged on the price ($5.99 for 6 oz)--then tossed it in the basket.
Later I suggested he make a turkey sandwich with said lunch meat. He refused. Why? Because the package "looked funny".
Smiling through gritted teeth, I decided to pick my battle another day.
Which happened to be today. Like an hour ago.
Ethan came in and asked for breakfast (eggs). I consented to the monumental task of preparing his scrambled eggs "just so" and also suggested he "try" a slice of the new turkey, which I happened to be enjoying on my own sandwich. He looked at me like I was asking him to drink cod liver oil. But after a little more prodding (and supreme acting skills on my part: "This is SO delicious, Ej! Mmmm! You've gotta try it, buddy!"), he finally took a tentative bite.
He freakin' loved it. His eyes rolled in the back of his head, a happy small danced across his smacking lips. At long last, he reached the summit of Mount Picky Face and experienced the bliss of lunch meat nirvana.
Dang, I'm good!
So now I've been asked to make another trip to PCC to pick up more of this delectable culinary delight that is known as Organic Roasted Turkey Breast from Applegate Farms.
That's my boy, folks! That's my boy.... (And may God help his future wife.)